a breeze

The breeze came suddenly.

 It gave me a gentle embrace, a kiss on the neck, reminding me of a place forgotten: where everything’s so big; where soil often met bare feet; where laughter lasted for days. 

This was the place we spent our years before becoming cold and worried. The memory seduced me; each thought, an ember. 

Burning beautiful, bright but breaking, bleeding. 

All that remains is an emptiness we try and fill, because after all, men mustn't have hollow bones. I realized we could never go back because we never left, 

we just forgot how to count the stars. 

The breeze blew on, rustling leaves, circulating dust, whistling away victoriously. 

a self reflection of past romance

A lot of the time I feel like people have a lot to say but often don't have an open ear... or webpage to vent to. Or maybe it's the flood of thoughts, feelings and emotions that go through our brain on a daily basis that overwhelm us. So we unknowingly bottle these things away and slap on a label...

"To be opened at a later date (preferably a time of vulnerability)"

Then one day when the storage department in our brain is at capacity, all hell breaks loose and we have what’s commonly referred to as a mental/ nervous breakdown. We’ve all had them before... some worse than others. It’s when our frontal lobe gets a memo of all the fucked up shit that’s been going on. So the floodgates open and we have no way to organize or even distinguish the wave of shit that just hit the fan.

This is one of those cases.

I haven't had much success in the past with relationships or lack thereof. I've had a handful of good girlfriends but the majority isn’t the little princesses Disney made them out to be. But I learned a lot along the way so it gives some value to the experience... I suppose. So I began to look at the most obvious of occurrences, how my relationships have ended. And I came up with two main circumstances: either in heartbreak (being the heartbreaker or the heartbroken) or in the other case, nothing happens...

It simply ends...

2 parts awkward, 1 part confusion, blend and serve with insecurity, garnish with pride

It's then I realized the "how" factor is completely superficial and in most cases completely irrelevant. It's as if you were watching a football game and only gave credit to the very last play to account for the end result (win or loss), while ignoring all the plays that led up to this conclusion. Its then I began to ponder the "why" for all my misfortunes. It wasn't the right time, we were too different, it wasn't serious to begin with, she's too high maintenance, she was too clingy, I’m too high maintenance, I was too clingy, I’m pretty sure she's just a whore...

Ok, stop.

Brain-overload. Unless I could somehow dissect every single moment of every single relationship I’ve ever had, I need a better strategy. So I went with this- to fully understand the "why" you must first establish the "what." I needed to find out what my relationships actually were. So I cut a few corners and came up with the broad categories of "serious" and "fling."

Time to get "serious."

The "serious" relationships (sadly) account for the minority of my romantic endeavors. To be in this category the relationship had to evolve in some way past the casual dating phase. These took place earlier in my life; I haven't been in a serious relationship in a number of years... with some partial exceptions. I've broken some really amazing girl's hearts in the past... really, really amazing girls... and I've had my heart broken by some mean bitches

Really, really mean bitches.

The simple fact is: one day someone is going to break your heart and one day you are going to break someone's heart (probably not the same someone that broke your heart, but it's possible) do you remember the first time you got dumped? And how it completely crushed you? Funny how every time after that, getting dumped got progressively easier. Well you're not alone, it happens to all of us. The first time you get dumped all that remains is a single brick and each time after that another brick.

Brick by brick

Until you have a wall around you, saving you from the outside world. You subconsciously defend yourself from having your world crushed ever again. Things like trust didn't have any meaning anymore. This is why I broke some really, really amazing girl's hearts. Things were going great, I was getting attached, and I started having feelings for her...oh no... Relationship self-destruct mode initiated. I pushed away, sabotaged something potentially meaningful at the will of my subconscious. And I never realized I had done that until just now.

Time for a "fling"

the majority of my romantic escapades are categorized as a "fling" (well in my opinion at least.) these instances never got past the casual dating phase or maybe just fell under casual sex. Now I know what you may be thinking “well then that's not a relationship at all..." well this is my fucking blog so deal with it. These were mostly artificial, no emotional connection and more like putting on a costume to pose for a photo shoot.

Flash.

Give me confidence.

Flash.

Give me lust.

Flash.

Give me desperation.

During my "fling" era I mostly saw unavailable women, emotionally or otherwise. I found myself amid a series of micro-relationships. Each one having the same basic principles. Nothing serious, no drama and non "exclusive"... whatever the fuck that’s supposed to mean, about 95% (a statistic I just made up) of them were completely sexual with no-strings-attached. Some of which I'm not so proud of, but I was living the American (college student's) dream.

So what's wrong with just getting laid and keeping things drama free?

Besides the excessive alcohol consumption and mind- blowing hangovers? Oh wait, that was just college in general. I was using these "flings" as a solution to a problem they couldn't solve. Although I had enough women to satisfy a squadron of navy sailors... ok, bit of an exaggeration. I had never felt more empty and alone in my life.

Well, you sound like a giant douche

The sum of my romantic exploits has given me a lot of insight on what I really want and need out of a relationship. In no way is this a plea to justify my actions, this is all in the past and it's not who I am anymore. If you don't believe me well, you can suck it (figuratively, of course.) If I've learned anything it's the value of friendship. No matter how much of an ass you make yourself out to be, how many countless times you get kicked out of a bar before midnight, how many times you are too drunk to stand... I could always count on someone to have my back, someone to bribe the bouncer to let me back in and a shoulder to lean on so I could stumble my way home (or sometimes a couple arms to carry my sorry ass home.) I realize that I have a great group of friends and I think one day I'll realize when I meet "the" great girl. One that will break down my walls, so I can let something good in and forget I had ever been broken before.

dead trees and numb hands

as i sit in a small town in georgia my mind flutters with the history of this place. its a town that honors the men who have fallen on its fields. men who stood for their beliefs and gave their blood for something greater than them.

they say history repeats itself. this war so long ago still holds the same theme that everyone encounters in their lifetime; the dilemma between conservation and change. the confederacy stood for conservation of their culture and the notion of change sparked a war that changed everything. the civil war epitomizes the freedom we all hold sacred.

we cannot "throw stones" however, everyone fears change in some aspect; even if the change itself is most beneficial. they wanted to conserve slavery, but we all have our vices. slavery is wrong but we have all been wrong before. i fear everyday life has blinded me to see what is really going on in my life. i am in the best years of my life and then notion that this will one day change is very realistic and very frightening. we all live in our comfort zones and a change for anything is very threatening. we are all at war within ourselves.

this is a town of dead trees and numb hands. the trees are the past which can never be changed. the hands are the present which blinds us of the past. this is a country of dead trees and numb hands.

buckeyes

I long for something more with you

You've shown me beauty in the world ain't always just skin deep

my knotted tongue forced me to write another song

I mispronounce words and even stumble over verses

even when you're not around

I remember red hair, cigarette smoke and laughing about buckeyes.

wait

Has my heart stopped beating? I am alive but do I feel alive? At times life jumbles in to a mess of late nights, empty conversations, starbucks and waiting. You walk through life, hoping to catch the eye of a few skirts. All those Disney movies made it clear find your soul mate and live happily ever after. Easy enough right? So you wait for it to happen. Then you get to the point where you are so concerned with waiting that life seems to take a giant leap forward. Your friends are married, your old girlfriend just had her first child and here you are… still the same shy boy from the ninth grade. Still waiting. You look at everyone else, with their goals and plans of making it big in the next couple of years. You dream of a prize wife, a new beamer and a two acre lawn. Perhaps all of these things will let everyone else know how happy you want to be. Maybe after all the work you’ve done for yourself you will finally be happy. Still waiting. Your hope for a better future has a numbing effect on the scars left from your past.

a message of love

i think with every interaction and relationship i have, there's a certain role i take on. bare with me on the psycho-babble. at school our role is a student; we sit in class, take notes.... on occasion, take exams and at least do what is expected. this is true in all aspects of life, the boyfriend who sets aside time for his girl; the smoker who sets aside time for some candy =) ; the son who spends time with family; the circuit city employee that walks around and checks the fine ass walking in the door; the the rockstar who has to use the back door. or the friend that would split an eight dollar order of chicken nuggets, even though he's broke, so that his friend didn't have a heat stoke.

these roles are what define us.

they can destroy us as well. like the high school drop out that takes his role as a burnout and does what is expected of that role.

but what does matter are the roles that bring us together.

the roles that produce the greatest happiness in life are those that offer unconditional love. For some it's a new child, a new wife, your dog haha, a god or maybe a song that you haven't heard in a while and takes you back a few years. love is whats brings us together. it breaks down our walls so that we may set aside our differences and put acceptance into our hearts.

it may sound very idealistic, but i'm not asking people to repent. stay who you are, if that is what makes you happy. just ask yourself what roles in my life bring me the greatest fulfillment? from every psychology class i have ever taken, a universal theme comes to me at the end of the semester. the greatest knowledge a person can have is that of himself. may be a quote but i'm not sure.

think about it; a life lived with hatred and mistrust will only leave you angry and alone. that is all.

friend or foe?

it was a Thursday night. The night began with will smith. She picked me up around seven and our movie started at eight thirty, giving us plenty of time to mingle before the movie started. We exchanged a few laughs and i decided to spend my last three dollars on a soda. as i made my way back to our seat i caught the eyes of a few gents. i couldn't blame them, sometimes i catch myself staring. she looks so different now that three years have passed.

i remember her back then, the quiet girl at the front of the bus; who somehow caught my attention every morning and every afternoon. i remember playing basketball down the street. i don't even like playing basketball it was only an excuse to spend time with her. most of all, i remember the thought of her that kept me up at night. its funny how three years have passed and that feeling comes right back as if it was never gone.

anyways, the movie, "hancock," was alright. it was about a less than perfect superhero struggling to be appreciated. theres also a love story. hancock was drawn to his counterpart by a mysterious force. when they were together their powers were lost. you can see where this is going... stay together and die or be separated to maintain their superpowers. i wont spoil the ending.

so the movie's over and we go back to her place with every intention of being friends. i fight back the urge to make a move, i dont want to ruin what we have like i have in the past. we decide to get some rum. i make a call and before you know it we're back at her place with sailor jerry and a two liter of coke. then she asks me "do you wanna see something funny?"

we go to her room, decorated with spongebob posters. she takes out a shoe box full of notes. we started reading notes she had received from some of her ex boyfriends. it was quite amusing until i laid eyes on three notes, all with big looping letters reading "john." she hands me them and i couldn't help but laugh out of awkwardness. my brain couldn't quite process what i was reading, it was the feelings that she had for me from almost three years ago. right there in pink letters. but i held it in and asked "what else you got?"

we go to her nightstand and she pulls out a diary. i thought this must be something good so i opened it up and let my eyes go to work. i felt a lump in the back of my throat when i realized the page i was reading was about me. i turned the page again and again. every fucking page was about me. i never knew she felt this way about me, if i had only made this discovery three years ago. i told her that and then i went to use the restroom. i didn't have to use the restroom at all.

i stood there thinking this is heavy. why was i so stupid? why was she even showing me this? then a flashback to prom. the night that i broke her heart... the night i cant let go. shit. this wasn't supposed to happen. i downed my drink and it almost came back up... i had made it a little stronger than i remembered. we start talking about feelings from the past, sitting on her couch when her brother and sister arrived. so our feelings were put on hold, i could hear the elevator music playing. it came time to call it a night. we laid on the floor of her room and the music cut off. she asked me "why do we do this? we go off and on." she was right and i don't know why.

i laid there with her in my arms. her smell was captivating, just strong enough to drown out the sailor jerry. i felt warm, not from the spongebob blanket or the rum, but from her. her hair felt like silk. i thought she was asleep as i stared into eyelashes. she opened her eyes and her lips felt mine. we had never kissed like this before... the walls i had put up came crumbling down.

when two people get close enough they become a combination of best friends and worst enemies. friends because you can share anything with one another. enemies because they have the power to hurt you more than anything or anyone else. i had hurt her before, but she came back to me. now i cant help but think there's more between us than i had ever imagined. once i heard "those who ignore the past are doomed to relive it." i may not be able to take away the pain i caused in the past, but i may create a better future =]