A lot of the time I feel like people have a lot to say but often don't have an open ear... or webpage to vent to. Or maybe it's the flood of thoughts, feelings and emotions that go through our brain on a daily basis that overwhelm us. So we unknowingly bottle these things away and slap on a label...
"To be opened at a later date (preferably a time of vulnerability)"
Then one day when the storage department in our brain is at capacity, all hell breaks loose and we have what’s commonly referred to as a mental/ nervous breakdown. We’ve all had them before... some worse than others. It’s when our frontal lobe gets a memo of all the fucked up shit that’s been going on. So the floodgates open and we have no way to organize or even distinguish the wave of shit that just hit the fan.
This is one of those cases.
I haven't had much success in the past with relationships or lack thereof. I've had a handful of good girlfriends but the majority isn’t the little princesses Disney made them out to be. But I learned a lot along the way so it gives some value to the experience... I suppose. So I began to look at the most obvious of occurrences, how my relationships have ended. And I came up with two main circumstances: either in heartbreak (being the heartbreaker or the heartbroken) or in the other case, nothing happens...
It simply ends...
2 parts awkward, 1 part confusion, blend and serve with insecurity, garnish with pride
It's then I realized the "how" factor is completely superficial and in most cases completely irrelevant. It's as if you were watching a football game and only gave credit to the very last play to account for the end result (win or loss), while ignoring all the plays that led up to this conclusion. Its then I began to ponder the "why" for all my misfortunes. It wasn't the right time, we were too different, it wasn't serious to begin with, she's too high maintenance, she was too clingy, I’m too high maintenance, I was too clingy, I’m pretty sure she's just a whore...
Ok, stop.
Brain-overload. Unless I could somehow dissect every single moment of every single relationship I’ve ever had, I need a better strategy. So I went with this- to fully understand the "why" you must first establish the "what." I needed to find out what my relationships actually were. So I cut a few corners and came up with the broad categories of "serious" and "fling."
Time to get "serious."
The "serious" relationships (sadly) account for the minority of my romantic endeavors. To be in this category the relationship had to evolve in some way past the casual dating phase. These took place earlier in my life; I haven't been in a serious relationship in a number of years... with some partial exceptions. I've broken some really amazing girl's hearts in the past... really, really amazing girls... and I've had my heart broken by some mean bitches
Really, really mean bitches.
The simple fact is: one day someone is going to break your heart and one day you are going to break someone's heart (probably not the same someone that broke your heart, but it's possible) do you remember the first time you got dumped? And how it completely crushed you? Funny how every time after that, getting dumped got progressively easier. Well you're not alone, it happens to all of us. The first time you get dumped all that remains is a single brick and each time after that another brick.
Brick by brick
Until you have a wall around you, saving you from the outside world. You subconsciously defend yourself from having your world crushed ever again. Things like trust didn't have any meaning anymore. This is why I broke some really, really amazing girl's hearts. Things were going great, I was getting attached, and I started having feelings for her...oh no... Relationship self-destruct mode initiated. I pushed away, sabotaged something potentially meaningful at the will of my subconscious. And I never realized I had done that until just now.
Time for a "fling"
the majority of my romantic escapades are categorized as a "fling" (well in my opinion at least.) these instances never got past the casual dating phase or maybe just fell under casual sex. Now I know what you may be thinking “well then that's not a relationship at all..." well this is my fucking blog so deal with it. These were mostly artificial, no emotional connection and more like putting on a costume to pose for a photo shoot.
Flash.
Give me confidence.
Flash.
Give me lust.
Flash.
Give me desperation.
During my "fling" era I mostly saw unavailable women, emotionally or otherwise. I found myself amid a series of micro-relationships. Each one having the same basic principles. Nothing serious, no drama and non "exclusive"... whatever the fuck that’s supposed to mean, about 95% (a statistic I just made up) of them were completely sexual with no-strings-attached. Some of which I'm not so proud of, but I was living the American (college student's) dream.
So what's wrong with just getting laid and keeping things drama free?
Besides the excessive alcohol consumption and mind- blowing hangovers? Oh wait, that was just college in general. I was using these "flings" as a solution to a problem they couldn't solve. Although I had enough women to satisfy a squadron of navy sailors... ok, bit of an exaggeration. I had never felt more empty and alone in my life.
Well, you sound like a giant douche
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment