a message of love

i think with every interaction and relationship i have, there's a certain role i take on. bare with me on the psycho-babble. at school our role is a student; we sit in class, take notes.... on occasion, take exams and at least do what is expected. this is true in all aspects of life, the boyfriend who sets aside time for his girl; the smoker who sets aside time for some candy =) ; the son who spends time with family; the circuit city employee that walks around and checks the fine ass walking in the door; the the rockstar who has to use the back door. or the friend that would split an eight dollar order of chicken nuggets, even though he's broke, so that his friend didn't have a heat stoke.

these roles are what define us.

they can destroy us as well. like the high school drop out that takes his role as a burnout and does what is expected of that role.

but what does matter are the roles that bring us together.

the roles that produce the greatest happiness in life are those that offer unconditional love. For some it's a new child, a new wife, your dog haha, a god or maybe a song that you haven't heard in a while and takes you back a few years. love is whats brings us together. it breaks down our walls so that we may set aside our differences and put acceptance into our hearts.

it may sound very idealistic, but i'm not asking people to repent. stay who you are, if that is what makes you happy. just ask yourself what roles in my life bring me the greatest fulfillment? from every psychology class i have ever taken, a universal theme comes to me at the end of the semester. the greatest knowledge a person can have is that of himself. may be a quote but i'm not sure.

think about it; a life lived with hatred and mistrust will only leave you angry and alone. that is all.

friend or foe?

it was a Thursday night. The night began with will smith. She picked me up around seven and our movie started at eight thirty, giving us plenty of time to mingle before the movie started. We exchanged a few laughs and i decided to spend my last three dollars on a soda. as i made my way back to our seat i caught the eyes of a few gents. i couldn't blame them, sometimes i catch myself staring. she looks so different now that three years have passed.

i remember her back then, the quiet girl at the front of the bus; who somehow caught my attention every morning and every afternoon. i remember playing basketball down the street. i don't even like playing basketball it was only an excuse to spend time with her. most of all, i remember the thought of her that kept me up at night. its funny how three years have passed and that feeling comes right back as if it was never gone.

anyways, the movie, "hancock," was alright. it was about a less than perfect superhero struggling to be appreciated. theres also a love story. hancock was drawn to his counterpart by a mysterious force. when they were together their powers were lost. you can see where this is going... stay together and die or be separated to maintain their superpowers. i wont spoil the ending.

so the movie's over and we go back to her place with every intention of being friends. i fight back the urge to make a move, i dont want to ruin what we have like i have in the past. we decide to get some rum. i make a call and before you know it we're back at her place with sailor jerry and a two liter of coke. then she asks me "do you wanna see something funny?"

we go to her room, decorated with spongebob posters. she takes out a shoe box full of notes. we started reading notes she had received from some of her ex boyfriends. it was quite amusing until i laid eyes on three notes, all with big looping letters reading "john." she hands me them and i couldn't help but laugh out of awkwardness. my brain couldn't quite process what i was reading, it was the feelings that she had for me from almost three years ago. right there in pink letters. but i held it in and asked "what else you got?"

we go to her nightstand and she pulls out a diary. i thought this must be something good so i opened it up and let my eyes go to work. i felt a lump in the back of my throat when i realized the page i was reading was about me. i turned the page again and again. every fucking page was about me. i never knew she felt this way about me, if i had only made this discovery three years ago. i told her that and then i went to use the restroom. i didn't have to use the restroom at all.

i stood there thinking this is heavy. why was i so stupid? why was she even showing me this? then a flashback to prom. the night that i broke her heart... the night i cant let go. shit. this wasn't supposed to happen. i downed my drink and it almost came back up... i had made it a little stronger than i remembered. we start talking about feelings from the past, sitting on her couch when her brother and sister arrived. so our feelings were put on hold, i could hear the elevator music playing. it came time to call it a night. we laid on the floor of her room and the music cut off. she asked me "why do we do this? we go off and on." she was right and i don't know why.

i laid there with her in my arms. her smell was captivating, just strong enough to drown out the sailor jerry. i felt warm, not from the spongebob blanket or the rum, but from her. her hair felt like silk. i thought she was asleep as i stared into eyelashes. she opened her eyes and her lips felt mine. we had never kissed like this before... the walls i had put up came crumbling down.

when two people get close enough they become a combination of best friends and worst enemies. friends because you can share anything with one another. enemies because they have the power to hurt you more than anything or anyone else. i had hurt her before, but she came back to me. now i cant help but think there's more between us than i had ever imagined. once i heard "those who ignore the past are doomed to relive it." i may not be able to take away the pain i caused in the past, but i may create a better future =]

A great romance of the 21st century.

This is my first blog. I created this blog because a combination of recent events have got me thinking on a whole new level. It may not be what people want to read, but it's what i want to write. So here goes...

I recently got out of a one week relationship ( if you could even call it that.) But it left me with questions i couldn't seem to answer. The relationship itself was pointless; text messages back and forth, the occasional late night meetings and a whole lot of drama. Is that what a relationship has come to? text messaging back and forth? sure it's easy but it puts thing on such an impersonal level. How can you hear the sound of a persons laugh when all you hear is the sound of your ringtone, letting you know that the person has responded to your small assortment of letters. Now that i think about it, i couldn't tell you what her laugh sounded like, not even if my life depended on it.

When it was first made official I had a certain euphoria; that i was wanted and the thought of companionship filled my brain waves. So as it started out, I told her what she wanted to hear and made her believe that i was more involved than i actually was. I made a fantasy of the relationship, like the fake love you see in movies all the time. It's the relationship that we are all conditioned into, the happily ever after sort of thing. I made the excuse " I'm a hopeless romantic." It makes me smile to see what a fool I am.

But for every action there's an equal and opposite reaction, and things went sour about a week after I put on this act. But how would this great catastrophe end? It started out with complete with drawl, no answer and no call back. That's not how it ends, only how it starts to end. The final blow that put this washed up boxer on his back was through.... an email. It's perfect, something that even the worst writers in Hollywood couldn't come up with.

I should have felt despair from being rejected. I should have felt lonely, but instead I felt disappointed that my charade couldn't last. Her exact words "i think you were looking for some deep relationship that I'm not ready for, i got scared." The irony kills me. Here i am putting on this magnificent show and she goes and ends it just like that. What a bitch.